Archive for the ‘New Age Psychosis’ Category

New Age Psychosis II

by on Monday, December 19th, 2011

So this week I decided to share my site with a couple friends.  It wasn’t an easy decision to make either, considering this is mostly personal shit that spews from my fingertips.  Since I made the decision to write here, I wanted to make it a meaningful journey through the sludge in my mind.  Sometimes that is difficult, the sludge can be pretty thick at times.

Today I was reconsidering that article on teenage brains again, this time from the point of view of looking at me and lessons I learned, and the sludge.  I figured that during the time your brain is completing those neural pathways you are also (duh) deciding who you are and making  important choices about life.  So what choices did I make?  “Who”  am I?  Also, what am I trying to say here and is it valuable to anyone else?

Well in my young adulthood I took several “new age” classes on self “improvement”.  I love all the quotation marks because at the time it was very important work, that is, to improve yourself.  I wonder what I actually learned?  I say “I wonder” because I have no idea what goes on in other peoples’ brains, but here I am now and I spend a great deal of time working out my dealings with people, and worrying about how I am perceived.  It is as important to me how I say it as the impact it has…with every thing.  I have conversations with people before I have the conversation. Then I have the conversation again later in my head.  Frequently I check in on me to make sure I didn’t create bad feelings.   I will relive conversations in my mind, sometimes in the middle of the night staring at the blackness in my bedroom.   Now I am just sounding crazy.  Am I too self absorbed?  I can’t really call it narcissism, cause I don’t really feel the love here, but there is way too much self focus going on.  Bottom line is that I want to be able to speak  openly without worrying that people I love will leave me because of what I have said.

I think what I learned in those “emotion release therapy sessions” and other questionable psychiatric evaluative group commune classes is to be careful.  I learned that I was a fucked up individual, but aren’t we all?  I learned to question my inner beliefs and scrutinize my behavior or someone else will.  Well it seems like those lessons were what imprinted on my brain cells because here I am years later still questioning…call it worrying…how I affect others.   (Mom I’m not blaming you for any participation in this, call it my “New Age Disclaimer”, it wasn’t your fault.)

All that probably didn’t come from the classes alone  I’m sure some of it had to do with growing up with an alcoholic dad.  (maybe most?)  But do other people self monitor?  I don’t know.  It does feel really good to get it out on “paper”.   And so I write and tromp through the sludge like shoveling so much heavy slushy snow.  Clear it away so I can begin to feel normal. Because sometimes the critical voice in my head is much too loud and I just want to get on with my day.

So the “valuable ” lesson here (yes today I’m all about quotations)  would have to be that….what.  We are all a little cuckoo, but bottom line good people.  Don’t get worried about speaking your mind.  Friends are just travelers on the journey of life too and they are going through what they are going through regardless of what anyone says to them.  We all have our own personal inner battles to fight.  And I don’t want to sound like I’m just spewing out euphemisms, but perhaps we all worry a little and try to be loved.

 

What I’ve Done

by on Monday, October 3rd, 2011

 

Does everyone self analyse as much as I do?  I find that when I have a quiet moment to myself, which luckily or unluckily is a daily event, I tend to be mentally critiquing my self and whatever I happen to be up to.  Probably a product of too many “self help” classes. I guess I am glad that I have a certain degree of self imposed criticism, but many times it is probably like that voice in your head that you wish would shut up.  I wish my voice in my head would shut up!!

So, for example:  I am currently reading a Wiccan book called “Dedicant”.  It is a sort of “self help” book in that it helps the reader become a more dedicated witch.  In doing that there are introspections and rituals to perform that have to do with awakening and becoming more aware of one’s self.  The rituals have to do with planetary cycles and the introspection uses Tree of Life guidelines along with knowledge and awareness of chakras and personal energy.  None of this is new to me of course, having learned and practiced much of it since my early 20’s.

The problem starts when I begin worrying about what I do daily that may interfere with my process of self awareness, and my goals.  More specifically, my little wine habit.  I have become really aware of it to the point of obsessing about how much I drink, which is not that much, I don’t think.  So, I tend to drink more on weekends, 3-4 on a Friday, and less during the week, 1 glass on a Wed. night and 2 on Sunday with dinner.  I am brainwashed into thinking that any continuous habit is a problem (more on that at some future date) and my glass of wine is definately a habit.  And then I beat myself up for it mentally, and I worry that I have a problem.

Problem seems simple enough to fix, stop drinking wine with dinner.  So, I’m going to go all week without just because I am obsessing! There, I said it.  But I like Chardonnay…and I’m going to get over it so I can stop obsessing.

I know myself though, and since I am uncomfortable with me, (I am not ok! is the continual voice in my head) I will find some other thing to pick on about me.  Maybe it’s my coffee drinking, or maybe it’s that I haven’t given all I can as a parent and mother.  Or worse, when I’m not picking on me I’ll tear Mike apart mentally and then really hate myself.  He is not the problem.

I just want to be ok with me.  I want to be ok with who I am and “What I’ve Done”.  So in a step to get there, this summer I got a tattoo on my ankle, like an anklet, but big enough to be a shackle.  A permanent reminder and way to get out of my head about “What I’ve Done” .  It is actually the musical line from a favorite Linkin Park song called “What I’ve Done” and the song is about forgiving {myself} and starting over.  The tattoo then reminds me to forgive myself every day.  sometimes I get stuck on the line “What I’ve done” and beat myself up some more, then I remember and begin to forgive.

Now you must be thinking, what has she done?  My worst offense is some speeding tickets.  Once I wished someone would die, I was really pissed off, and years later they did.  And I let my son smoke pot.  He will be damaged for life, I am sure because of “What I’ve Done” and I will always beat myself up for that, but I think every parent has some regret somewhere along the line.

So my point today is that I am on the path of forgiving myself for who I am and so if not having a glass of wine w/ dinner this week will help that be reality, then I should go for it.  But, and this is to the little voice that won’t leave me alone, stop picking on me!  I am not a bad person!  I deserve to be loved by me most of all!

I tried downloading all three pic’s of my tattoo onto the post but Wp is stupid…so if you want to view them, they are under the Photos page and they are out of order because Wp is stupid.

“What I’ve Done”

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

[Pre-Chorus:]
So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

[Chorus:]
I’ll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty

[Pre-Chorus]

[Chorus]

For what I’ve done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done!!!

[Chorus]

What I’ve done
Forgiving what I’ve done

New age Psychosis

by on Thursday, September 8th, 2011

During my young adulthood in the early 80’s,  my mother moved to Boulder Co to join the New Age movement.  When I dropped out of college a couple years later due to my major in Partying I also moved there and joined the movement.  It was a little insane at first taking responsibility for who I was.  Can you believe I’m a graduate of the Tony Robbins Firewalk Experience!  Some of the initial classes I took did (I think) permanent damage to my psyche.  Now I take responsibility for everything to the point of blaming myself for things that really are out of my control.  I probably had it in me to be that hard on myself anyway, so I can’t really blame the new age gurus who brought me there.  I just can’t help it!  I should go back and apply more of that T.R. self  love.

I’m an enabler and a much more submissive type, if something goes wrong I probably caused it. While on the other hand I’m also a type A personality, if I come up with a job that needs doing, I will get it done and do your job for you too.  Go figure.  The 2 sided me is also a Gemini (yes I believe in astrology), so in my mind, that explains it! 

My mother went on to become a new age instructor herself (well into my adulthood) so I used to hear all about what I was doing wrong and what I should be doing instead.  Especially in regards to parenting.  On top of that the matriarch of the family has always been very opinionated about everyone’s lives and we heard loads of criticism from her as well.  She never had any issues with submissive behavior, quite the contrary she is narcissistic to the max!  So sometimes I can’t tell who’s voice is in my head.  My mom’s, my grandmother’s or my own critical voice.  Seems like one should be enough.  This would be a good time to tell me to get over it and Grow Up!  Yes I am an adult and I think it is far time enough that  I became my own boss. I believe it’s way past time for me to listen to my own heart.  I am not doing anything wrong, This is who I am and I should be proud of me!

I am proud of me. . . . .

Ok, I’ll work on it.