Archive for February, 2014

Don’t Be an Eyesore

by on Friday, February 21st, 2014

Isn’t it funny? Been a weird week. I can’t be sure if it’s just my freaking hormones, or more. I spend too much time alone. Thinking. Processing.

So what is it about 2014 that everything is starting new. New accounting systems. New bathroom and remodeling. New carpet, new porch. New contacts…and a first time eye prescription for me. New ways of doing things. New book to work on. New problems, and new solutions. And I’ve found out I’m to receive a new (for me) piano. With that comes new music, and new expectations. New things to practice, and new arrangements of furniture. Also, it brings back the old.

I was wondering today, if maybe, behind everything…the thing that really made my mom and aunt sick in the first place was unspoken expectations. (In meta physics the lungs stand for possibilities.) Was there pressure to be someone that they’re not? I feel it. I’ve felt it all my life. THIS is who you are. THIS is who you represent. Live up to it, or live in the dog house.

And now the piano. (first of 2) Although it seems like I passive/ aggressively asked for it by telling her flat out that she should not give it to the university, I could not have anticipated that she would give it to me. I was never worthy. In many ways I did not live up to her expectations, and she has told me so.  A long time ago. But apparently now I do. She is finished with it and wants to retire, and doing so in such a way that she won’t have to accept any more requests to play two piano pieces with anyone anymore. I respect that. I hope I have such presence of mind when I am 95.

I’m feeling pressured by it though. Unspoken pressure to fulfill some destiny that she has in mind for me. A destiny that I don’t want. Honestly, I will never be able to live up to that.  Never. I hope she never asks to hear me play her piano. I’ve never been good enough to fulfill her expectations. The only ones who can are good enough are concert pianists and APA winners. I am not that person.

Ugh. Add to that that I’ve been beating myself up hard for this crazy phych thriller that I’m writing. I am two people right now. I am the piano teacher, and I am writer of darkness. This second book is taking a toll on me, but I can’t stop it. It’s a story that’s been inside me for decades, needing to be told. Perhaps its that story bringing me down. I’m getting too into my characters. Too connected to them and their dark destinies.

I feel singed, and overly sensitized. Beaten. I feel pressure of wanting to finish, wanting to fulfill a destiny that I have chosen, even though that destiny seems  so hard to reach right now. But I guess that it makes sense that the obstacles placed in my way are obstacles of my own choosing. Yet they have always been there. It will finally be up to me to move around them or be buried by them. Just like having two pianos in my living room, figure it out, or they become obstacles. Big ones.

But for me right now, the biggest obstacle, burden, weight around my neck…is how to tell the story that I need to tell without becoming a pariah. Be the writer. But be a music teacher too.  Perhaps the books will never be published, Perhaps they need only to be finished.

Rabbit Hole

by on Friday, February 7th, 2014

I’ve known for a long time that I’m an adrenaline junky. I love the feel of fear. Just a little bit, enough to keep me on the edge of my seat. Or, sometimes a lot. I like living with it. I like the feel of the beating of my heart. My mind has been a place full of fantasy lately, especially within the context of the second book I’m writing. It’s a thriller all right, and having that little bit of edge is like having a boat motor always running, always ready for someone to pull up anchor and take off. A lot like drinking too much coffee.

I don’t really like scary movies, you know the type where a crazed maniac (aka dead thing) is chasing people with a hatchet or chain saw. To me that’s very unrealistic. I’m not into Zombies either. Really, those types of movies are not very scary, they’re humorous. Seriously, none of the characters running from the ‘thing’ ever make the right choices, even more amusing that they all usually die except for the dumb blond. (Not to stereotype or anything.)

Some movies accomplish real fear with out being labeled as such. They give you that edgy feeling that you think something bad will happen to the characters you love. I think we all must have great compassion to be able to feel for characters and want the best outcome for them.The most recent that comes to mind is the movie World War Z. I know, I said I’m not into Zombies, but it was really good!  Others that come to mind are War of the Worlds, and Signs. Did you know that in the movie Signs, they never actually show the creature or the ships they come in. The only time it is shown is through a mirror in the living room near the end. It’s perfectly freaky though since everything up till then has gotten your imagination to go crazy.

That’s the kind of anxiety I’m talking about. That’s the feeling…in anticipation of things to come.  Unknown things. Bad things.

So I’ve gotten a bit addicted to that feeling, and love the writing process because of it. I’m creating worlds that are full of scary evil people and all day long I wonder how my main character is going to handle it. My Main is me. I know how she thinks and what she is feeling, not only because the story is mostly from her POV, but because she reacts the same way I would.

What scares me the most is having my power taken from me.  And that’s what the trilogy is all about. Power play. Ultimately, my Main will lose her sense of who she is and become what someone else wants her to be. I think it will be a good story because its something that scares me! Wouldn’t that kind of control scare you? Think about it.

And yet…I’ve decided to go down that rabbit hole. I love it. I can’t wait to get up every morning and write. I need to know what’s going to happen to her next. It’s very addicting. Dark. Scary. I’m taking the plunge, and down the rabbit hole I go.