Archive for October, 2013

No Words

by on Tuesday, October 29th, 2013

Life goes on, yet things stay the same. You call and rage over the phone to our family, you’re angry and you don’t ask for help or answers. You act as if you know why things are this way or that way, you are a victim. Just like dad was.  Are you some kind of special person? Are you so deserving that you should get more than any one else?

If you would listen, we would explain, but all you have are accusations and blame. There are no words that can appease you now, your hate is too great. And you are blameless. You have had no hand in this, your life, it is all someone else’s fault. It’s too bad that you fell for the lies that were fed you by our father. An alcoholic who had no sense of reality. He told me once that Maggots came from meat. Flies are the spawn of rotting meat he said. Isn’t that what they believed in the dark ages? He was crazy too, just like you.

I believe that’s where you live now. In the dark. If you would call, I would have words for you…to explain. I don’t think you would hear me though. It has all gone black for you. And for me too.

Now I have no words for you.


Green Belt (among other things)

by on Tuesday, October 29th, 2013

Training has been better than ever. On good days, I feel like I’ve really got it. I know the Sanshin, I know the kehon, and even remember their names. I still have bad days though, days when I have too much on my mind and can’t remember anything.

One night after training, in the dark parking lot, I got the word,  and the secret pass-code, to go buy a green belt. No test, no ceremony. Just like that. Mark said, “You’re good to go.”

I told him to make sure, check with the others if he had to. Get a consensus. I ordered the belt which cost a whopping $8 with shipping and it came the next day. When I went to class with it on, I was congratulated by everyone. But the coolest part about wearing my green belt was that I began to feel like I knew more. I began to act like I knew what I was doing in class, I had more confidence and respectively, the guys treated me like I knew a few things too.

I have a new favorite weapon! Kusari fundi. It’s a two foot length of chain with rectangular weights at either end. All in all it weighs about 5 pounds. The idea is that you get that thing swinging around wrap up their arm or neck, or just create space between you and an opponent. I love it! For one thing, it’s really scary, for another, it doesn’t take too much for it to hurt a lot.

Mike and I started sword training together. We’re studying the eishin ryu which is iajutsu.  We train the kamae and forms a couple times a week, and I told Mark and Josh that we were doing it. They have been adding more sword to our everyday training there as well. So my skills have been growing. Even though it feels sometimes like I’m not getting the words, the movement, the kata, I know that the more I practice, the better I’ll get and the easier it all becomes. And some days, I do know all the words and forms. It is coming.

I’ve been trying to stick around after class to get to know Josh and Mark a little better, I have a feeling they both have interesting stories to tell. Also, I have an ulterior agenda, I want to tell them that I have a real reason for being there and training. It’s not just that I’m a writer, and not just that it’s fun. More about that later. I talked with them about going out for beers after class. Monday night it’s always way too late for me to go out and Saturday it  seems like I’m so busy. So in an attempt to get control of that situation, I invited them all to our house for beer-jutsu and a bonfire.

Mike helped a lot, he was great (really got into the spirit of the thing) and we planned a great meal and fire in the pit outside. The weather, after weeks of rain and cold, cooperated and gave us a beautiful sunny day of about 50 degrees, low wind. Perfect weather for the fire. It turned out to be an awesome party, we had a great time too. Erika and Roy came, Diane and Lester, and even Jay and Cindy came with their girls. Mark, Josh, Bill and his wife and Josh E and his girlfriend were there. It was fun.

I’ve had a couple questions on my mind and have been waiting for an opportunity to ask Mark specifically, since he works with in the legal system (loosely). In class a few weeks ago, I had an epiphany. Mark was talking about knowing when to stop. Knowing when you have a person under control, and you’ve hit them perhaps you have a weapon like the hanbo, and they are down. Know when to stop and walk away. What I realized was that there is one person who if it came down to it, I’m not sure I would know when to stop. I imagined my rage coming to the surface and beating this person senselessly. This epiphany threw me though. In the middle of class, I nearly started to cry and it was all I could do to  bite my lip and stay focused. I’ve been thinking about it ever since too. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, in fact.

You know who I’m talking about. He has been making himself known again and calling people in the family to express his anger and disappointment in us all.  Recently I have become more and more afraid that when Nana dies, which may be a long time away yet, he is going to come after us with his sour vengeance and hurt people. Namely mom, and quite likely me. If he ever finds out that I’m getting the pianos, I can’t imagine what he’ll be capable of. There has been talk of a restraining order. Something I don’t know much about.

Yesterday after training, I finally had an opportunity to  ask Mark the two things which have been burning me for answers. First question, did he know much about restraining orders? He did and gave me some suggestions which I will gladly follow thru on today. Second question had to do with meditation as a component of training. His advice was to incorporate it into your training, bring the calming forces with you to class and be aware of the anger, knowing it’s there is half the battle.

So now he must think I’m a total nutjob. I laid awake half the night last night trying to figure out how to explain to him that I needed them to know there were more serious reasons for my training but there isn’t ever time to explain. Given our time constraints, I probably came across as blurting out this really cryptic and crazy disjointed information. Then hurriedly went home to dinner. I imagine I left him wondering what to do with this crazy person at his dojo.

I guess I just wanted him (them) to know that they are really helping me. It is therapy for  me at so many levels which I haven’t even begun to explore yet…I know it helps. I feel so much stronger physically and emotionally. I don’t want the guys to think that I’m a loose cannon, or that my fears are unfounded. Above all, I’m not asking them to fix me. I just needed a support group. A place to express my own rage. In a way, and I have found them (if they’ll have me).

Walking the path