Archive for November, 2012

Writing lots these days, just not in here…

by on Thursday, November 29th, 2012

Who knew that writing from my heart could cause such angst in my relationship.

He said it goes beyond me asking, “Do these pants make me look fat?” I don’t think he’ll read any more.

I don’t really know what to make of all that, we fight so much when he reads my stuff. I get really defensive though…REALLY defensive. It’s as if he was telling me how ugly I am or that the color of my eyes is wrong.

I have to keep going on it though, and since our last episode I have not been motivated. So I’m writing in here…processing all the goop.

Christmas is coming and I’m pretty busy too. It’s a distraction I know…the story is still in there knocking of the door of my mind.

Who knows what the future holds. For me the story is the most important, I have to let it out. It keeps trying to come out. It has evolved into a creature who has needs and wants. It has begun to need feeding and care. The process is intense.

What ever the future holds, I just need to write. Get back to work, girl. It is something you enjoy.

Letter to Karissa

by on Sunday, November 25th, 2012

Dear Karissa, keep up the good work.

Your writing is going to be an inspiration to many. Your ideas inspire freedom from the normal ho hum and encourage free expression. I hope that you are a great success, your first book has inspired me to live more freely too, unencumbered by the opinions of others. To me, the idea could become as forefront in society as Anne Rochelaura’s or Pauline Reage’s books were.

Don’t quit! Even if you feel like you are getting nowhere, someone somewhere will be influenced by your ideas. Women everywhere will be empowered.

I love your story!

No Longer a Prisoner

by on Sunday, November 25th, 2012

A funny thought crossed my mind a few weeks ago: I have spent my whole life in fear of critical judgement from my family.

The thought occurred in conjunction with a phone call from my grandmother who upon waking me at 7 in the morning proceeded to launch into a tirade that lasted for 15 minutes about my son. She was angry (understandably) about him not thanking her or depositing the check she sent him for his birthday. As the tirade went on however, she made it clear that his transgression was my fault and the fault of bad parenting. She wanted me to do something about it and get the ‘boy’ back under control. The boy is now considered an adult by law and by social standards, he is 19 years old.

In the midst of my early morning stupor, I had a moment of clarity. I said to her, “Did you really call and wake me up at 7 in the morning to bitch at me about my son?” I was angry.

Unfortunately, she has never heard the word bitch used in a sentence like that and didn’t understand what I said at all. I call it selective deafness. I had to repeat what I said using more intelligible words, and reiterated something that I didn’t exactly mean, “Did you call me this early to yell at me about Dylan?”

“No, I’m not yelling at you.” And of course she wasn’t. So the tirade continued on.

So I apologize to her and to other members of my family for my frankness, but I have had it with their criticism of my life. I am not yet 49, but am nearly 50 years old. I am going through menopause. I have raised two beautifully adept, smart and socially able children…better I must say than any of them had done though I will not gain matriarchal status until 2 generations have passed on…which may be another 25 or 30 years from now. But I refuse to retain my shy punished little girl status until the end of this time. I will no longer be a prisoner of that vision of me, theirs or mine.

I have moved on.

I intend to let them know as well. I do not accept their criticism any longer. Change my status to “Does not take criticism well.” I will not put up with it.

Along those lines, I have launched a new website with which to vent more interesting thoughts. I have been writing lots and having a ton of fun with words and images which those critical thinkers may frown upon. In fact I was raised in such a pure environment that it’s quite possible you could have called it suppression. And now I am beyond that criticism too.

I have a new tattoo to show off, it goes with my new frame of mind.

So I don’t mean to be a bitch or anything, I just plan on stating my mind. I’m not going to live the rest of my life in constant fear of what they think of me. Forgive me if I have said it before ,  but now I have a renewed intention.  I don’t think I ever really knew how to go about it, but I think I can actually stand up for myself now.

It sounds stupid even to me, but geez, do you think I have finally grown up?

Enjoying Empty Nest

by on Friday, November 23rd, 2012

We have been enjoying our empty nest time, which is not nearly as empty as we expected. My son comes home every weekend now to work. He has started his own company called Knew Royalty which is selling t shirts with his artwork. They are busily printing t’s in our basement and going to launch the website in a week or so. It’s quiet during the week, but not so much during the weekend.

We love him, why else would we let him set up such a messy thing in our basement rooms? I hope he is successful, I love his art and it seems like a good venue for selling it. Soon he’ll have posters printed too, another avenue, along with hats, girls t’s hoodies and long sleeve t’s.

Good luck Dylan!