Archive for June, 2012

Post Operative

by on Tuesday, June 26th, 2012

All went very well w/ the surgery and I’ve been resting lots.  Today is Tues, 4 days after and the first day off pain meds. So I’m a little groggy and comparatively hung over.

I am so tired though that is not unexpected either.  I believe it takes 2-4 weeks to get the anesthesia out of your system, hence the hung over feeling.   I’m sure it’s also caused by the oxycodone I’ve been taking for 4 days too. And Ahhh, no more visits from my monthly friend.  Turned out that my uterus was 4x the size of a normal uterus.  It was a super uterus and I have pictures to prove it!  The doc said it took up my whole pelvis!  No wonder I had horrible periods! Glad to be moving on from all of it now. ” The future’s so bright I’ve got to wear shades!!”

Today’s the Day

by on Friday, June 22nd, 2012

Well, here we go.  Tired and thirsty, at least I get to go in early.  And today I sleep all day.

I’m ready.  Ready to be through with  all the angst leading up to this.  All the worry and fore shadowing. That’s the part I hate, and can’t seem to get out of my mind.  And after today, there is no more worrying about what will be because it will all be over.

Talk about the metaphorical abyss! Wow. This is only part of the picture for me, a small fraction.

I know the facts and know the results I’m seeking, so walk on fire today! That’s the mind set I want!

Go for the goal!

Count Down to “Vacation”

by on Saturday, June 16th, 2012

Less than a week to go.  I’m really looking forward the forced vacation I have coming up.  I think it’s really funny that I’ve gotten to the point that I can’t take the time off that I need….Hopefully some day.  But here it comes.  I’m going to spend the time writing!  I have an idea for a book that has been floating around in my head for a couple years and I’d like to finally get a jump start on that.  I have some research to do and need to create the outline. Didn’t I say that it was one of my dream vacations?  Well, I won’t be able to do anything else for a few days.

Have made a list of goals for the outcome of this surgery too, something I didn’t do last year, although I had a pretty clear vision. I don’t want to share the list due to it’s graphic and gross nature. Our intimacy has been interrupted too many times lately from pain and discomfort. Can’t wait to have that disappear.

Oh my, last night I dreamed that I had a baby.  Really funny!  We were in an airport going to visit family in Indy, and I wasn’t exactly sure that the baby wasn’t Dylan. Mike was holding him and I had to run back to the car and get the stroller and all the baby stuff.  Then I was running through the airport with the stroller to get to the plane on time. Dylan said it was my subconscious mind telling me I’m running out of time to have any more kids. Then he said, “quick mom!  I want a baby brother!”  Haha!

Here’s to the future!

 

Moving Forward

by on Tuesday, June 12th, 2012

Counting down the days till surgery, there are 10. What happens after that.

Dylan graduated on Sunday, I’m so happy for him!  It is also a milestone for Mike and I, I think I see it as such more so than Mike does.  I think it’s pretty safe to say that High school was the time in Dylan’s life when everything changed.  Having gone through all that he did, he has made a lot of changes to his personal belief system and I’m sure all of the things he thought life would be like for him when he grew up. He’s a good kid, I hope things are not too hard for him in college and the future.  If it is, I’m sure he will figure it out.

We all make choices about who we are and where we want to go in life.  Then in the course of life there are always the curve balls the failed attempts, the missed opportunities. And things change. For example, I never thought I would become a piano teacher. It was probably one of the farthest thoughts from my head, and yet something I really resisted for years too.  And now, here I stand, after my kids are done with high school and moving on to the big real world, and I feel like it’s me all over again too. And not just because I connect with my children, I am ready for a career change.

This summer I am going through 2 of the biggest life events that any woman could face and I am ready to plan for what comes next. My children have grown up and I am having my uterus removed. The world is my oyster.

Question.  How is it that people get to a point in life and stop moving forward?  People stop wanting more, doing more, creating more.  People get to a point and decide this is it, they wait out the pension or wait for retirement and go slowly and quietly into that big sleep.  I am so not ready for that.  I am on the edge of change and I want it all. I am excited about life and ready to move forward!

So here it is.  I want to write a book and I need to figure out how to schedule my life so that I have time for work, practicing and most importantly writing.  Right now.  How boring is this for you to read?  (Honestly, I don’t think anyone but me reads these things.) I keep wishing that I had the ability to stop taking new students, best case scenario would be  having weekends off completely.  Unfortunately I don’t see that in my future for many years.  Please make some money beloved husband of mine.  So that I can do what I want and dream to do. I’m ready for the change and want it so badly. What is the plan?

Organize your life, then you can organize your mind and move forward.

 

Hysterectomy

by on Monday, June 4th, 2012

It seems like it’s always like this.  Life moves forward, things happen and there is no time to process any of it.  Too busy.  I have surgery scheduled for June 22nd, the second day of summer.  Crazy. I have gone through a gamut of emotions about it,  denial, resistance, grief, and fear.  I have yet to be excited about it and not sure why.  Still in the fear?  A little. But I have every reason in the world to be excited…if I could just get past the scary side effects and possible horrible outcomes.

How about 365 possible days for having sex? YES!  And at this point in my life, that’s something I live for!  Bring it on!  No more periods!  Yes!!  No more anemia!  No more cramps, bleeding to death and rushing to the bathroom in the middle of the night.  How about 365 nights a year of uninterrupted sleep!  YES! Go baby go!  Quality of life improvement, huge.  No more anxiety over work days. There are more benefits too, like relief from pressure down in there. I should have my inner goddess doing handstands!

Hey, the cool thing is that I have just had my last period. I am done.  No more visits from my monthly “friend”. No remorse there, she sucked!  Sucked the life out of me, literally!  Good bye you demon bitch!

All will be well, I’m just giving myself a much needed boost of support and positive thoughts.  Then afterwards, I get to take that vacation from work that I’ve wanted for so long.  I’m taking 12 days in a row OFF!  Unheard of! I haven’t taken that much time off since the kids were little!

So I’m having a hard time figuring out what I’m going to do with myself for that long.  I would like to take some time to get into writing my book because that idea has been slowly developing and I have more thoughts on it.  I know you are thinking I’ll be too tired to do anything, but I have only just figured out what “tired” really feels like!  Yea, weird huh?  I just don’t do tired. I am like the energizer bunny.  I am either going full volume, or asleep.  There is no tired.  I suppose we’ll see after the surgery. The other thing I want to do is look through pieces on a new Classical Music book  I bought. Find some new things for the kids to play. Twelve days in a row.  Off work.

This is going to be GREAT!!!!

Happy Birthday

by on Monday, June 4th, 2012

Wow, been a while since I’ve had time to think a bout life.  Today is my Birthday; )

So I was sitting here doing my usual daily routine; email, scheduling, billing and paying bills.  I have to vacuum today. Then I got a call from a family member to wish me a happy birthday.  She really meant well I know  but after the call I felt terrible.  I felt sad and sorry for  myself, exactly like no one wants to feel on their birthday.  She was telling me how I should be feeling, what I ought to do on my birthday and that it wasn’t ok for me to want to not celebrate.  So I guess after the call, I felt like I was not doing it right. I fell into an old pattern of letting “them” influence me.

At least I have the prescience of mind to be aware of my self this way.  And here’s how I want to celebrate my birthday.

I DON”T want to celebrate.  I don’t want to get older, I hate birthdays.  I want to be alone and contemplate the direction I’m taking. Or the lack of direction. I want the time to prepare a ritual to the blessing of a full moon today on my birthday because that doesn’t happen every day! That doesn’t happen every birthday either!  I want the time to honor where I am at the present moment and all I’ve been through to get  here.

I am young!  My youngest son is graduating next week and I am going to be an empty nester in a couple of months.  I am standing on the edge of the abyss with a million and one possibilities for my future, and I will have no one, no children to take care of, and no one else’s needs to come first any more.  It is my turn to grow up.

I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life, but that doesn’t really matter.  I am living a rich a beautiful life. I have a family who loves me and I have friends to play with.  I’m a musician, artist, designer, writer and professional. I am healthy and young and have energy.

Happy Birthday to me!!