Archive for March, 2012

Letter to my brother

by on Friday, March 30th, 2012

Hi, been a long time.  I had a dream about you last night.  I was going to lunch/dinner with the Indy clan, mom, Judy, Scott and Nana and you wanted to go with us. You were arguing with me because no one told you about it.  I said, “we are going because we want to. We are going to be together because we want to be together.” I said ,  “if you want to join us then you should come too.”  And you did. You did want to join us.

So  I’m writing.

How have you been?  Mike and I are finally beginning to get back on our feet, It has been a long road with a lot of different kinds of struggles over the past 5 years not the least of which was financial, but also injuries and surgeries. We are beginning to see the end of that path. Financially up to our eyeballs indebt.  If you look over my timeline, the remodel that took place was due to a gift from Mike’s mom.  He and his brother have been unemployed for these last 5, since the crash.  At least we got out from under the huge house that he built for us.  The kids ask about you, wonder what happened.  Dylan looks so much like you that I have a hard time not calling him Bryan.  Funny, huh?  Erika is now 21.  Can you believe that?  I have been making a scrap book for Dylan for graduation(this spring) and come across pic’s of you with the kids all the time.  They loved you you know.  Me too. Miss you too.

Do what you want with this, I’m not sure where you are at these days,  I was just trying to protect mine from more hurt and pain.  It has been a very long road for me and I’m over it. I hope that this reaches you  and you are doing well.  T

Spring Break

by on Friday, March 23rd, 2012

Ugg. Parents of seniors, is this some crazy way to cause more grey hair?  My baby, my last child at home, is trying to fly the nest soon.  Spreading his wings and taking off for warmer climes.  I am feeling like I need to be restrained.  Trying not to say too much, “Have fun Honey!”  Don’t forget your toothbrush, sunscreen, razor, bathingsuit, money, phone charger, do you have the GPS and the address, try not to get into too much trouble and don’t trash the hotel room. That’s it, “Have fun Honey,”  says me with zippered lips.

Torture.  Let him fly.  The one who causes you the most worry. He will return, hopefully with fond memories, not a police record.  Soon his adulthood will be upon him and responsibility will beckon him to a state of semi-normalcy.  My daughter says, “Don’t worry, he’s a smart kid” and talks of bringing board games to the beach.  Ha! Right.

When they stop listening you know you’ve said too much.  A little advice goes a long way because they will do what you do, not what you say.  I am so looking forward to about 4 years from now.  Breathe, another one of life’s little processes.

 

Roller Coaster Ride

by on Saturday, March 10th, 2012

Hello. I have been neglecting you.  I had a real roller coaster of a month this February.

Roller coaster rider

It began with Imbolc.  Opening to changes.  Lovely meditation ritual with my husband.  Opening our minds to the new year ahead.  Ok, perhaps too much.  I have been feeling happy lately though, really happy!  I honestly haven’t felt so relaxed and free in such a long time!  Thinking back, it has probably been since the kids were little and the future was SO bright!  That’s how the month started.

Then, things happen in 3’s in my life, maybe because that is my life path number.  Our heating system broke.  At first it was just one of the basement zones, then as Mike was fixing it it became clearer that there were more things wrong and finally the whole thing blew.  At 10 o’clock at night on one of the coldest days of the month, the heating system broke down.  Took him all of the next day to get the thing fixed, it was down to 60 degrees in the house when I started teaching lessons.  So that was one thing, then I remember there was a second thing that went wrong but perhaps it was so insignificant to the 3rd thing that I don’t remember what it was at all now.

Let me just say that the 3rd thing is being resolved as I am writing this. It began 3 weeks ago, and due to the privacy of it’s nature I will not be telling you what it was. It caused such an emotional reaction in members of my family that even that was a problem.  Mike blew up and put the fear of god into us and then the rest of us were freaked out and depressed and scared…I think that Mike got over it after his blow up, but the rest of us remained in the freak zone for one week, two weeks, then as things didn’t get resolved, and were difficult to get resolved, for a third week.  Personally, I was in living hell.  I need broken things to get fixed and quickly.  I need order and control in my life.  Control. This living hell was due to the fact that things were out of my control and there was nothing I or any member of my family could do to fix the problem.  Out of control and the possibility that members of my family could be in danger or in trouble. I couldn’t sleep, I had panic attacks daily, and then my freaky state was not helping anyone else either.  I was causing freak in other members of the family.  All the while, I think Mike was oblivious that he had caused such anxiety in the rest of us. I did let him know the damage he caused. Out of control.  More sleepless nights, more anxiety every day.  I just wanted the problem to be dealt with.

With all this going on, Mike and I went to Florida for a week, leaving Dylan at home with the dog (another stress factor for me).  I had been hoping that the problem would be resolved while we were away, but of course not.  So on the night we returned home I had an opportunity to confront the one person in control of the situation and stated my feelings on the issue.  There was nothing else I could do.  And geez, after that the problem was dealt with. A few short words, and she went home and dealt with it.  The out come hasn’t been completely determined yet, but the danger for members of my family are over.  I am so relieved. Members of my family are relieved as well and life goes on as it should.

I am glad that Dylan is growing up, graduating high school, going to college in the fall.  I am so ready for it.  My little boy, the one who causes me so much stress and worry.  Because of his life path, I am hard wired to worry about the kid.  I just can’t help it.  I never worried about Erika so much, but she is so self sufficient and a type A personality like me.  I know she can handle things in her life.  I will feel like I can let go of much of that with Dylan after graduation.  He will be on his own soon. He is no longer a baby needing protection and a safety net at home.

In the mean time, we went on a fun trip to Florida.  An adventure to watch Erika compete in an eventing show, where she has been away for these last few months working on her skills and getting training.  It was really great just to get away from my computer for a week…no emails, no work, no kids, no responsibilities.  And then we planned the last day to go to Universal Orlando and see Harry Potter World. Mike and I at a theme park with NO children! Ha! We had a blast!  We went on all the roller coasters, all the fast rides, then we went back and did them again!  At the end of the day we were exhausted, and exhilarated having had way too much fun.

The feeling has stayed with me too, especially now that that other problem has been dealt with.  I have a new lease on life and a new outlook. Yesterday I went and got another piercing on the top of my ear.  Another battle won, and now I have the jewelry to prove it.  I’m not sure if that makes much sense, but for me it is a battle scar. Proof of victory, I made it through.  I rode the roller coaster and came out very much alive!

Warning, life may be dangerous. Proceed with caution.