Archive for December, 2011

New Age Psychosis II

by on Monday, December 19th, 2011

So this week I decided to share my site with a couple friends.  It wasn’t an easy decision to make either, considering this is mostly personal shit that spews from my fingertips.  Since I made the decision to write here, I wanted to make it a meaningful journey through the sludge in my mind.  Sometimes that is difficult, the sludge can be pretty thick at times.

Today I was reconsidering that article on teenage brains again, this time from the point of view of looking at me and lessons I learned, and the sludge.  I figured that during the time your brain is completing those neural pathways you are also (duh) deciding who you are and making  important choices about life.  So what choices did I make?  “Who”  am I?  Also, what am I trying to say here and is it valuable to anyone else?

Well in my young adulthood I took several “new age” classes on self “improvement”.  I love all the quotation marks because at the time it was very important work, that is, to improve yourself.  I wonder what I actually learned?  I say “I wonder” because I have no idea what goes on in other peoples’ brains, but here I am now and I spend a great deal of time working out my dealings with people, and worrying about how I am perceived.  It is as important to me how I say it as the impact it has…with every thing.  I have conversations with people before I have the conversation. Then I have the conversation again later in my head.  Frequently I check in on me to make sure I didn’t create bad feelings.   I will relive conversations in my mind, sometimes in the middle of the night staring at the blackness in my bedroom.   Now I am just sounding crazy.  Am I too self absorbed?  I can’t really call it narcissism, cause I don’t really feel the love here, but there is way too much self focus going on.  Bottom line is that I want to be able to speak  openly without worrying that people I love will leave me because of what I have said.

I think what I learned in those “emotion release therapy sessions” and other questionable psychiatric evaluative group commune classes is to be careful.  I learned that I was a fucked up individual, but aren’t we all?  I learned to question my inner beliefs and scrutinize my behavior or someone else will.  Well it seems like those lessons were what imprinted on my brain cells because here I am years later still questioning…call it worrying…how I affect others.   (Mom I’m not blaming you for any participation in this, call it my “New Age Disclaimer”, it wasn’t your fault.)

All that probably didn’t come from the classes alone  I’m sure some of it had to do with growing up with an alcoholic dad.  (maybe most?)  But do other people self monitor?  I don’t know.  It does feel really good to get it out on “paper”.   And so I write and tromp through the sludge like shoveling so much heavy slushy snow.  Clear it away so I can begin to feel normal. Because sometimes the critical voice in my head is much too loud and I just want to get on with my day.

So the “valuable ” lesson here (yes today I’m all about quotations)  would have to be that….what.  We are all a little cuckoo, but bottom line good people.  Don’t get worried about speaking your mind.  Friends are just travelers on the journey of life too and they are going through what they are going through regardless of what anyone says to them.  We all have our own personal inner battles to fight.  And I don’t want to sound like I’m just spewing out euphemisms, but perhaps we all worry a little and try to be loved.


“Christmas Time is Here”…

by on Saturday, December 17th, 2011

“Happiness and Cheer”…that’s the song that’s going through my head this morning.  Actually a lot of Vince Guaraldi is going through my head these days.  Having fun playing christmas music on the piano, Linus and Lucy, Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire, Jazzy Jingle Bells.  Looking forward to hosting my Cookie Exchange tomorrow.  I spent a good part of the day yesterday baking 7 or 8 different kinds from Martha Stewart’s basic cookie dough recipe.  Thank you Martha!

Honestly the past 3 or 4 christmases  have been really stressful.  This year (Finally!) not so much.  The month seems really short though, perhaps due to the fact that Christmas and New Years are on the weekends, feels like we got shorted a week in there some where.  Or at least a weekend.  I’m looking forward to a week off from work.  Have almost all of the prep work done so what’s left is sitting back to enjoy the ride.

It’s actually really quiet around here except for work, even last year was busier.  Erika came over with her friend a lot more and seems like there was more activity.  Well, thank goodness it isn’t busier.  We could be getting drywall put up in the addition and have that mess to deal with too.  That would stress me out.  I think I’ve just come down from a 2 month high stress period and am feeling more relaxed.  Enjoying the time of year and relaxing with friends.  I am thankful for the quiet and feel like it is well deserved.  Breathe.  Happy Holidays ; )

AAHH the Holidays

by on Tuesday, December 13th, 2011

Busy crazy busy.  Everyone is too.  Shopping, cleaning, cooking, baking, wrapping, and then the parties and fun get togethers.

You can be jealous, I have finished my shopping.  Yes!!  But I have everything piled in my bedroom now and have to wrap it all.  I cleaned carpets yesterday because I’m hosting a Cookie Exchange this weekend for all my students’ families.  And I have the cookie dough all made too, just have to bake them now.  Still have to shop for snacks for the Exchange and cider.

Getting ready for the Holidays is a lot like getting ready to take your family on a vacation to another planet.  There are things you need that you would never use anywhere or anyother time, so you have to fight through crowds of shoppers who are also traveling.   You’ll have to visit all your friends since you may never see them again, at least not for a very long time since the planet is so far away.  Pack all the necessary and strange items for traveling in special containers so that they won’t be damaged in outer space.  Then, plan and eat a big meal before you go into hyper sleep in the space ship.  Don’t forget shopping for that too.  And make sure your family is together, and safe, tell them they are loved and you’ll be back soon.  When you finally get it all together, thank the Goddess that we can finally relax and sleep it off, for a week if you are lucky.  Then, celebrate!  Because your home, undamaged, and loved, and you lived through it all and things can go back to normal again.  Outer space is interesting and you can look forward to traveling again next year.

What strange rituals we have.

It’s my last Christmas with Dylan at home, of course he’ll come home for the holidays next year, and the years to come.  But I feel like it is the end of many of our children’s holiday rituals.  We finally got our tree up and Dylan said, “We can’t decorate it till Erika comes over”.   So we had to schedule that around her work and studying for finals.  I feel like it will be just Mike and I doing it in the future, getting the house ready for them to come home.  And even though Erika lives in town, she always spends the Christmas days sleeping over.  Our Christmas morning ritual will have to never change!  When we wake up we push Mike out of bed too then all get our coffee and our stockings to begin opening.  Well, they used to bring their stockings into our bed and we all sat there to open them but now there’s not enough room!

What will our future rituals look like?  I hope for many things to remain the same of course, but allow them to make their own too.  When they have families of their own they will want to continue the traditions.  That’s when those things will be more special to them.   Not for a while though yet…college first.  We have just opened a different chapter, that’s all.  Travel to a new planet.